As I walked in the snow yesterday, I came to thinking. It rarely snows this much here and when it does, it's absolutely beautiful, especially since I live in suburbia and they never really bother to clean up till the snow has surely stopped falling. It's a rare and stunning occurrence, and although I wish it happened more, I know it wouldn't evoke as much admiration in me if it did. It's the same with boys. I'm so excruciatingly picky that I barely ever have a bloke in my life, but when I do get one, it happens on my terms, and when I like someone I like them to the point my stomach makes a somersault at even the slightest thought of them, resulting in a constant feeling of light-headedness and giddiness due to my lack of ability to stop thinking about the lucky bastard 24/7.The uninterested disdain for other guys who make a pass on me, is genuine-smiles-and-pearly-whites for them. So as I thought of the last guy who turned me into this fuzzy ball of affection, it became increasingly clear that I hadn’t had a ‘you’, an interest, an object of fluttery sensations in the pit of my stomach, or even a mild ooh-look-at-THAT-piece-of-boy moment since Mr. Coral Reef back in summer. I also realized that it had pretty much deep frozen my heart till the next time I travel. Slowly realizing how much I actually wanted a ‘you’ all this time, but being too picky to make a ‘you’ out of anyone but Tobias Olav Wenström, my big-snouted fluffy stuffed husky, I started forming a new year’s resolution list.

The first on my list was to get a bloody ‘you’. Although it may not be the number one by priority, it certainly is the first thing I thought of. The second thing was to get rake skinny again, and regain all that confidence I lost in the duration of fatty 2008. Sure, I’ve lost a good amount of weight already around the end of the year, but it’s not enough. I also want to lose my boobs, and shrink them back into their good old mosquito bite size. I missed that. I missed feeling good about myself. I still have fat days, which I need to get rid of once and for good. New Year’s resolution No.2: BACK TO ORTHOREXIA! Sure, some will argue it’s obsessive, but I was much happier avoiding all foods packaged and canned and overly saturated than now that I feel guilty all the time. Besides, if I feel more confident, the likelier it becomes that I’ll actually approach whoever it is I like without hesitation and with more conviction of what I’m doing, hence making it easier for him to like me. :]

Then I though of school…I need to improve in that department too. I need to stop procrastinating and take matters more seriously. I have exams soon, and instead of that skiing trip I wanted to take so badly, I will stay home and study. And only after I’m done will I gorge myself on a full month in Deutschland with Zwillingschwester, and add a few days on the slopes up in the Alps. Just the two of us again. No parents…Speaking of which, I think I need to be nicer to them too. Numero quarto: be nice(r) mommy and daddy.

It starts today. I will go on a 24-hour water fast starting NOW. It is now 12:00 on Monday, January 5^th, 2009. I will take no food in till tomorrow noon, but will also not eat lunch, or anything, for that matter, till dinner, when I will only have some lean meat, avoid saturated carbs such as any form of white bread, fatty foods such as all those creamy salads they add mayo to, salami and…well any form of processed food. Oh, and no Leonidas chocolates, or Godivas or any other form of sinful pleasure. I don’t want to have to purge. Wondering why the fuss with such a humongous sinful dinner? Tomorrow is the second Christmas eve my family celebrates, so I will not make myself a promise I know I’ll break for Christmas eve dinner at my aunt’s…which brings me to my final New Year’s resolution: NO MORE BROKEN PROMISES TO MYSELF.

So here’s my final list!

1. Get a boy!!! Since I clearly can’t find anyone here, this imperative is directly connected to traveling more. I’m liking this one :]

2. Go back to watching out for what you eat, meaning no saturated sugars, or fats, nothing that comes pre-packaged and wrapped, no more binge-eating and to start it all off, a short day’s water fast!!!

3. Focus more on school, and for Pete’s sake, if u skip class, at least have the decency to study at home!!!

4. Treat the parentals better!!!

5. Stop breaking promises you made to yourself!!!

This is how far I’ve come since I accepted the challenge.

This is how far I need to get :]

Wish me luck!

xoxo//anja

I like the moment right before I kiss someone for the first time.

It’s silent, yet it says so much. It’s that cozy little pause when we’ve flirted and talked, done the whole eye-contact-and-smile thing, and then we just stop, as if we’re acknowledging that there is something more than words coursing between us, as if the energy of a conversation is an understatement.

The world shrinks, or we grow, but I know at that moment, whoever the lucky guy is and I are bigger than the rest and this is the point everything we had done from our initial contact was leading to.

It’s tense, getting tenser by the second, and it's risky, and no matter how long it took to get there, it feels so soon, as if everything else that happened was a lousy excuse, perhaps of fear of the kiss and the chance it may be unreturned. But we know it won’t be.

This moment says it all.

We look into each other’s eyes and we can almost feel each other although not a single bit of us is touching. I think it’s priceless, electrifying, exciting, suspense, yet kind of comforting since we both know the kiss is coming.

Except kisses sometimes disappoint…either the guy’s lips are too thin, or not the right softness to feel good on mine, maybe he slobbers like a dog, or he holds me just wrongly.

The moment never does…it’s as beautiful with a great kisser as it is with a lousy one.

What do you think?